So many delights come with winter. Dreaming up this year's garden, planting bare roots, pruning, enjoying some extra time inside during these long nights to play with fabrics, yarns, and family board games, warm gatherings with friends and soup by the fire. Only... I barely have the energy to keep up with basic home-keeping. With only nine weeks left (give or take) until we meet this sweet new little Riddle, along with a sickness that swept over this house, I'm left completely depleted of energy. No energy equals an easy spiral downward for this mama. I love my life. I love what I do. Having no energy to do it is hard.
Finally, I came to the realization that this is a season, not a lifestyle change. With every season comes it's own uncomfortable opportunities for growth as well as secret delights waiting to be discovered. Before the unique treasure of this time in life can be unveiled, I first have to choose to embrace the season. This is where I am. There are unique limitations as well as opportunities available for a limited time only. Even though I'm unable to continue doing many things I love, what I was made for, good things, I have to let them go for a bit. They aren't for right now.
Right now, I take more of a spectator seat in life. But I never did notice how much our oldest has really become an older kid. A "tween" if you will (why do I hate that word?). Her interests and needs have greatly changed, along with her style and mannerisms. I deeply feel the need to make more space for her in my mind and time as her horizon broadens. There must be room in me for her to pull from, feel special and comfortable with, and confide in. Would I have noticed these changes and all their intricacies without this season? I really don't think I'd have done more than scratch the surface of this revelation.
As much as I long to spend hours outside, preparing this gorgeous land for the explosion of spring, all that's happened is a trip to the hardware store for a new pair of pruners. I've decided that if that's all that happens in the realm of homesteading for the rest of this month, that's okay. Now I'll have the tools when it's time to get out there. Besides, there's so much to learn and these beautiful books to read have only just been a longing, sitting on my nightstand, until now. How thankful am I to almost be forced to feed my soul with these books, though I hope to come out of this time with a protection for personal growth that hasn't been here before.
In all honesty, I long for this baby to be born, to be able to pick something off the ground without having to give myself a pep talk, to strap the babe to my chest, ready the kids, and head outside to love on the land. It doesn't feel wrong to look forward to the next season, but I do choose (sometimes on a hourly basis) to love this season of sitting, watching, learning, and resting, hoping to come out a calmer, wiser, and more peaceful spirit to be and be around.
I'm sharing this at Barn Hop, Gratituesday.
